Well it’s been a while.
I’ve been finding it tough to keep motivated with the blog recently and I’ve been wondering why. There have been times where I could have sat down and penned an entry but I have just not felt up to it. Plus, I’ve got out of the habit of actually doing the Firsts.
By Pi Guy 31415 via Wiki Commons
There are a few reasons why I think I’ve been more reluctant to write...
Does it make any difference whatsoever?
The whole rationale behind starting this blog was to raise awareness of the issues of male suicide and, hopefully, therefore add to the bigger picture of suicide prevention.
But that’s complicated. And, as I’ve explored already within this blog, the answer to how suicide can be prevented is far from straightforward. And sometimes I worry that I need to be careful with what I am writing; I don’t want to romanticise suicide, and make it seem like this ‘tragedy’ has led to something ‘good’ in the form of this blog. While I want the Firsts to be a positive step in my own life, and I would hope that this blog has led to some increased knowledge of the shocking statistics on male suicide, I wouldn’t want to give the impression to anybody contemplating taking their own life that suicide is in anyway beneficial to those left behind.
A question of confidence…
In fact, I have found that having somebody close to you commit suicide eats away at the very core of who you think you are, and your confidence crumbles as a result. It makes you question everything you have ever said and done. It makes you think about those around you in a completely different light. And, it makes you completely hyper-aware that something terrible could happen at any moment, to the point where not being able to get through to somebody on the phone leaves you weeping in the street. I would like to hope that I am in the process of building myself back up again, but I do think this deterioration in my sense of self has contributed to my lack of blogging. To do some of these Firsts requires a level of confidence that I just haven’t been able to summon up, and a certain amount of ‘putting yourself out there’ which is difficult to do when the events of the past two years have left me shying away from meaningful interaction with anybody who I don’t feel is within (to borrow a phrase from Meet The Parents) the Circle of Trust.
Some of these fears have been there since I started this blog. I felt silly writing a blog to raise ‘awareness’ when I knew at first it would just be my friends and family reading it. And the ridiculousness of having a blog to ‘raise awareness’ and then being too self-conscious to tell anybody new about what you are doing has not escaped my attention. But, I know the readership has grown beyond those closest to me, and I know that it has helped those within my wider circle of friends become more aware of the issue. So it does do something.
Plus, now I’ve been living in the same place for a few months, and feel like I’ve had a little time for the dust to settle, I’m looking forward to building myself back up again. I may now be in the unhelpful position of having 30 Firsts left to do and less than 10 weeks to do it in, But I’m going to try damn hard to get it done!
I’ve already taken some steps outside my comfort zone to get some of the Firsts ticked off the list. I’ve been sending (probably very creepy seeming) messages to other Emma Davises (which I’m not sure the plural of which should be... Emma Davi? Or maybe we are like fish, one Emma Davis, lots of Emma Davis) in order to meet somebody who shares my name. Any help with this one would be much appreciated!
I’ve also still been training hard for the 10k run. I’m now running 4 miles at a reasonable pace and even got this in the post the other day.
|I'll be hard to miss when I'm out training in this!|
My fundraising is looking good, and CALM have a proven track record of preventing suicide. So at least I can feel I am making a difference in this way, if nothing else. And if you haven’t sponsored me yet, and I’ve sufficiently guilt tripped you into doing so throughout this post… visit my JustGiving page to make a donation!